The Complicated Feelings of Parenthood: A Guide to Perinatal Grief & Ambivalence

Why These Feelings Do Not Make You a Bad Parent

Your grief and ambivalence are not a reflection of your love for your child. They are a normal and healthy psychological response to the single most monumental life transition you will ever go through. Acknowledging these complicated feelings is not a sign of failure; it is a sign of your deep humanity.

Understanding Perinatal Grief (That Isn't About a Death)

While we have a dedicated space to honor the devastating grief of pregnancy and infant loss, there are other, more ambiguous forms of grief that are a common part of the perinatal journey.

Grieving the Loss of Your "Old Self" and Your Old Life

This is the most universal form of perinatal grief. The person you were before your baby—with their autonomy, their spontaneity, their uninterrupted sleep—is gone. You are in the process of becoming a new version of yourself, but to do so, you must grieve the self you've left behind. This is a core part of the matrescence journey.

Grieving a Birth Experience That Didn't Go to Plan

You may have hoped for a specific kind of birth experience. If your reality involved a traumatic emergency, an unplanned C-section, or simply a feeling of being disempowered, it is normal and necessary to grieve that loss of the experience you wanted. This grief is a key part of healing from birth trauma.

Grieving the "Fantasy" Baby or Parenthood Experience

You may have had a fantasy of a calm, easy baby, only to be met with the reality of a colicky, high-needs infant. You may have imagined parenthood would bring you and your partner closer, but instead you feel disconnected. It is okay to grieve the gap between the experience you imagined and the reality you are living.

Why Are These Feelings So Common in the Perinatal Period?

The Shock of a New Reality

The transition to parenthood is often a stark and shocking change. The relentlessness of the fourth trimester—the sleep deprivation, the physical recovery, the constant demands—is something you cannot fully understand until you are in it. Grief and ambivalence are a natural response to this shock.

The Identity Shift of Matrescence

You are not just adding a baby to your old life; you are building a new life and a new identity. This process of becoming is inherently destabilizing and brings up a host of complicated feelings.

How to Cope with Grief and Ambivalence

1. Name It to Tame It: Acknowledge the Feelings

The first and most powerful step is to simply name the feeling without judgment. "I am feeling grief for my old life right now." "I am feeling ambivalent today." Acknowledging the feeling, rather than fighting it, can take away some of its power.

2. Practice the "Both/And" Mindset

Instead of seeing your feelings as "either/or," embrace the "both/and." "I love my baby and I am struggling right now." This allows you to hold the complexity of your experience without feeling like you have to choose one feeling over the other.

3. Find a Space for Your "Taboo" Feelings

Find at least one person—your partner, a trusted friend, or a therapist—with whom you can be radically honest about your complicated feelings without fear of judgment. This is a key part of building a real, effective support system.

When Grief and Ambivalence Become Something More

The Link to Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

While perinatal grief and ambivalence are normal, they can sometimes be a gateway to a clinical mood or anxiety disorder.

• If the grief is so profound that it leads to a persistent state of hopelessness and a loss of pleasure in all things, it may be developing into postpartum depression.
• If the ambivalence is so intense that it causes constant guilt and catastrophic worry, it may be a sign of perinatal anxiety.

How to Know When You Need More Support

If your grief or ambivalence feels all-consuming, if it is preventing you from bonding with your baby, or if it is causing significant distress in your daily life, it is a sign that you need and deserve professional support.