The Complicated Emotions of Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding is often portrayed as one of the most natural, beautiful bonding experiences a mother can have with her child. For some, it is exactly that. But for many others, the reality is far more complex. It can be painful, exhausting, and emotionally draining. If you find yourself dreading feedings, or worse, feeling strangely disconnected, numb, or like you're floating outside your body while nursing, you are not alone, and you are not a bad mother.
This feeling of unreality during a time that’s supposed to be about connection can be incredibly isolating and confusing. It can be a symptom of a number of postpartum challenges, from sensory overload to hormonal reflexes you’ve never heard of. Understanding why this happens is the first step to managing it and finding a feeding journey that supports both your baby's health and your own mental well-being. Your feelings are valid, and support is available for this unique and challenging aspect of postpartum depression and anxiety.
When the Pressure to "Love It" is Overwhelming
The "breast is best" narrative, while well-intentioned, can create immense pressure. When your experience doesn't match the blissful ideal, it can lead to intense feelings of guilt, shame, and failure. This pressure alone can be a significant source of stress that contributes to mental health struggles. The truth is,
breastfeeding and mental health are deeply intertwined, and acknowledging the hard parts is essential.
More Than Just Food: A Deeply Physical and Emotional Act
Breastfeeding isn't just a method of feeding; it's a constant, demanding physical and emotional exchange. Your body is not entirely your own, and this loss of autonomy can be a major trigger for mental distress, especially if you have a history of trauma or anxiety.
Why Do I Feel Detached While Breastfeeding? Unpacking the Causes
If you feel like you "check out" during feedings, it's likely a protective response from your brain and body. Several factors can cause or contribute to this feeling of disconnection.
The "Touched-Out" Phenomenon and Sensory Overload
After being climbed on, held, and needed all day, the thought of more physical contact can be completely overwhelming. This is often called feeling "touched-out." When you're in this state of sensory overload, your brain might cope by creating emotional distance—making you feel numb or depersonalized—as a way to endure the physical sensations.
Physical Discomfort and Its Toll on Mental Health
Chronic pain from a bad latch, cracked nipples, mastitis, or vasospasms can turn every feeding into a dreaded event. When you're bracing for pain, your body is in a state of high alert. Dissociation can be the brain's way of escaping that anticipated pain, making you feel like you're not fully "there" during the feeding.
Hormonal Triggers: Understanding D-MER
For some, the feeling of disconnection is not just psychological but physiological. A condition called Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER) can cause an abrupt, intense wave of negative emotion just before your milk lets down.
What is D-MER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex)?
D-MER is a physiological reflex, not a psychological response to breastfeeding. It’s believed to be caused by an inappropriate drop in the neurotransmitter dopamine right before milk letdown, leading to a sudden, short-lived wave of negative feelings.
The Sudden Wave of Negative Emotion
Unlike postpartum depression, which is a more constant mood state, D-MER is a fleeting but powerful event. The negative feelings—which can range from sadness and anxiety to dread and agitation—appear suddenly just before letdown and typically fade within a few minutes. Many describe it as a hollow feeling in the pit of their stomach or an intense wave of homesickness.
D-MER Symptoms vs. Postpartum Depression
It's important to distinguish between the two. D-MER is a reflex, and the negative feelings are directly tied to the timing of milk release. Postpartum depression is a mood disorder characterized by more persistent symptoms of sadness, anxiety, or numbness that are not tied to a specific reflex. However, having D-MER can certainly worsen or contribute to PPD.
How D-MER Can Feel Like Depersonalization
For some, the "dysphoria" of D-MER doesn't feel like classic sadness but like a sudden, jarring sense of unreality or dread. This can easily be mistaken for or overlap with feelings of depersonalization, where you suddenly feel "off" or disconnected from the moment.
Strategies for Managing Disconnection During Feedings
Whether the cause is sensory overload, D-MER, or general anxiety, there are practical things you can do to feel more present and grounded during feedings.
Practical Grounding Techniques for Nursing Sessions
While nursing, you can discreetly use grounding techniques to anchor yourself in the present. Our guide to grounding techniques for postpartum depersonalization has several ideas you can adapt. Try focusing on the 5-4-3-2-1 method, silently naming things you can see, feel, and hear beyond the immediate act of feeding.
Creating a Calming Feeding Environment
Your environment can have a huge impact on your mental state. Try to make the place you nurse a sanctuary, not a prison.
- Put on a comforting TV show or podcast. A distraction can be a powerful tool to get through a difficult feeding.
- Listen to calming music.
- Use a pleasant scent. A lavender sachet or a familiar, comforting smell nearby can help.
The Power of a "Nursing Station"
Have everything you need within arm's reach before you sit down: a large water bottle, snacks, your phone, a TV remote, a book. Feeling "stuck" or "trapped" can exacerbate feelings of panic and disconnection. Being prepared can restore a small but significant sense of control.
When to Seek Help for Feeding-Related Mental Health Struggles
If these feelings of disconnection are persistent and causing you significant distress, it's a sign that you need more support.
Recognizing When It's More Than Just a Bad Latch
If you've worked with a lactation consultant to address physical issues but are still experiencing dread, numbness, or panic around feeding, the issue is likely rooted in mental health. It’s time to speak with a healthcare provider or a mental health professional.
How a Therapist Can Support Your Feeding Journey
A therapist specializing in perinatal mental health can help you untangle the complex emotions tied to breastfeeding. They can help you process a traumatic birth experience that might be a trigger, teach you coping strategies for anxiety, and provide a judgment-free space to explore all of your feeding options.
Your Mental Health Matters Most: It's Okay to Change Your Feeding Plan
Your baby needs a healthy, present parent more than they need any specific type of milk. If breastfeeding is severely compromising your mental health, it is 100% okay to change your plan.
Giving Yourself Permission to Wean or Supplement
Supplementing with formula or choosing to exclusively formula feed is not a failure. It is a loving, responsible decision to prioritize your well-being so you can be the best parent possible to your child. A fed baby is a happy baby, and a healthy parent is paramount.
The Link Between Weaning and Mental Health
For some, the decision to stop breastfeeding brings immediate relief. For others, however, the hormonal shifts that occur during weaning can temporarily cause or worsen depression and anxiety. Being aware of the potential for depression after stopping breastfeeding can help you prepare and seek support if needed.
No matter what your feeding journey looks like, your feelings are valid. You deserve to feel present and connected in your motherhood experience.
If feeding your baby is taking a toll on your mental health, you don't have to navigate it alone. Schedule a free, confidential consultation with a Phoenix Health care coordinator to find support that honors both you and your baby.