Your Most Powerful Tool: Your Own Nervous System
Your pregnant partner is in a spiral of anxiety. Your newborn is screaming and cannot be soothed. In these moments, it's easy to feel helpless, like there's nothing you can do to fix it. But what if your most powerful tool was not your words of advice, but your own calm presence? This is the power of co-regulation.
Co-regulation is the process of using your own regulated nervous system to help soothe and calm the nervous system of someone you love. As a partner and a parent, it is one of the most important and practical skills you can develop. This guide will teach you the basics of co-regulation and how you can become a safe, grounding anchor for your family.
An Introduction to Co-Regulation for Partners
As we explore in our guide to the perinatal nervous system, our bodies are constantly sending and receiving subconscious "cues of safety" and "cues of danger" to and from the people around us. Co-regulation is the intentional act of sending cues of safety.
The Science of "Borrowing Calm"
How Nervous Systems Communicate
Through a process involving mirror neurons and the vagus nerve, we are biologically designed to "attune" to the nervous system states of our loved ones. When you are calm and grounded, your partner's and your baby's nervous systems can literally "borrow" your calm, helping them to shift out of a state of distress and back into a state of safety. This is a core concept of Polyvagal Theory for parents.
How to Be a Regulating Presence for Your Partner
Step 1: Regulate Yourself First
You cannot give away a calm you do not have. This is the most important step. When your partner is anxious or upset, your first job is to check in with your own body.
- Take a deep breath. Before you do or say anything, take one long, slow exhale.
- Feel your feet on the floor. Ground yourself in the present moment.
- If you are also activated, it is okay to say, "I need to take a minute to calm myself down, and then I will be right here with you."
Step 2: Use Your Voice as an Anchor
The tone of your voice is a powerful nervous system cue.
- Lower your pitch. A lower-pitched voice is subconsciously perceived as less threatening.
- Slow down your pace. Speak slowly and calmly.
- Use simple, reassuring words. "I'm here. We're going to get through this together."
Step 3: Offer Safe, Grounding Touch
If your partner is receptive to touch, a firm, grounding touch can be very regulating.
- Place a firm, steady hand on their back or shoulder.
- Give a firm hug. Light, frantic patting can be activating; a firm, steady pressure is calming.
- Always ask first. "Would a hug feel good right now?"
Co-Regulating as a Birth Partner
Your Role During Labor
During the intensity of labor, your calm presence is your partner's greatest asset. She will be borrowing your nervous system's sense of safety.
- Breathe with her. Match your breath to hers, and then gently try to slow your exhale to encourage her to do the same.
- Be the calm anchor when things feel chaotic. Your regulated nervous system tells hers that even though this is intense, she is safe.
Co-Regulating with Your New Baby
You Are Their External Regulator
As we explain in our guide to co-regulation with your baby, a newborn cannot calm themselves. You are their external nervous system.
- Skin-to-skin contact is a powerful co-regulator.
- Your steady heartbeat against their chest is a signal of safety.
- Your calm, rhythmic rocking helps to organize their immature nervous system.
This is the Foundation of a Secure and Connected Family
Practicing co-regulation is not about being perfectly calm all the time. It is about recognizing when your loved ones are in a state of distress and using your own presence as a tool to help them feel safe. It is a profound act of love and a cornerstone of a resilient and connected family.
If you would like to learn more skills to support your partner and family, schedule a free, confidential consultation with a Phoenix Health care coordinator to learn more about our resources for partners.