"He Doesn't Understand": What to Do When Your Husband Is Not Supportive Postpartum
You're sitting in the dark at 3 AM, the only sounds the hum of the baby monitor and the frantic thumping of your own heart. Your partner is asleep—maybe right beside you, breathing evenly—and you have never felt so profoundly alone.
This isn't garden-variety loneliness. This is the specific, gut-wrenching kind where you're choking on tears in the middle of the afternoon because your husband, the person you built this life with, just doesn't seem to see that you are drowning.
The bitterness creeps in, poisoning what was once a loving, healthy relationship. He gets to shower, leave the house, and move through the world as himself, while you feel shackled to a tiny, demanding human. You look at him and feel a hot surge of resentment. It seems like he has more freedom, fewer responsibilities, and more of a choice in all of this.
When you try to explain the crushing weight of the day, he says something like, "This is what a parent is supposed to do," or complains that you only hand the baby over when he's fussy. His words land like stones, each one a confirmation of the terrifying thought: He doesn't get it. He doesn't see me.
You're not imagining this disconnect. You're not being dramatic. And you're certainly not alone.
If you're struggling with postpartum mental health while feeling unsupported by your partner, you deserve specialized care from someone who truly understands this unique intersection of challenges. Phoenix Health's perinatal mental health therapists are specifically trained to help navigate both your individual healing and your relationship dynamics during this vulnerable time.
The Weight You're Carrying
The exhaustion is bone-deep—an eye-shaking fatigue that makes simple thoughts feel impossible. You're in a constant state of high alert, worried about the baby's breathing, their feeding, their safety, while also trying to manage a body that feels alien and a mind that won't stop racing.
You feel like you can't function beyond just keeping the baby alive.
Underneath it all is a grief you can't name. You've lost the person you used to be. Your fun-loving, social personality is gone, replaced by a stranger who feels disconnected from friends, from the world, and most painfully, from yourself.
This isn't just about the division of labor. It's not really about him not doing the dishes. It's about the person you are becoming in this radical transformation of motherhood, and his failure to see—and love—the new person you are.
His dismissal feels like an invalidation of your entire reality. It leaves you feeling invisible.
This Isn't Just "Baby Blues"
You've probably heard about the "baby blues"—mild mood swings, weepiness, and anxiety that can hit in the first couple of weeks after giving birth. It's common, and it typically fades on its own as your hormones begin to settle.
But what you're experiencing feels different. Heavier. It's not fading; in fact, it might be getting worse.
This is not the baby blues. You may be experiencing a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder (PMAD), a group of very real, very treatable medical conditions that affect up to one in five new mothers. This is not a character flaw or a sign of weakness. It is a complication of childbirth, just like gestational diabetes or preeclampsia.
You are not to blame.
PMADs are caused by a perfect storm of factors: massive hormonal fluctuations, profound sleep deprivation, and the immense physical and emotional stress of caring for a newborn. They show up in different ways, and you might recognize yourself in some of these descriptions.
Postpartum Depression (PPD) is a persistent feeling of sadness, emptiness, or hopelessness that lasts for more than two weeks. It can come with a crushing sense of guilt, making you feel worthless or like a terrible mother. It's the voice in your head that whispers you're failing, or even that your family would be better off without you.
Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) often feels like your brain won't shut off. It's characterized by racing, looping thoughts and a constant, humming sense of dread that something awful is about to happen. You might find yourself obsessively checking on the baby or unable to sleep even when the baby is sleeping because you're consumed by "what if" fears.
Postpartum Rage is a lesser-known but common symptom. It's a feeling of intense irritability or anger that feels disproportionate and out of your control. You might snap at your partner or your other children over small things, and then be flooded with shame and confusion about where the fury came from.
Postpartum Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) involves intrusive, unwanted, and often terrifying thoughts or images, frequently about the baby being harmed. These thoughts can be horrific—imagining dropping the baby or other terrible accidents.
It's critical to know that these are symptoms of an anxiety disorder. They are not fantasies or desires, and mothers with postpartum OCD are extremely unlikely to act on them. Often, they lead to compulsive behaviors, like constant checking, or avoiding the baby out of fear.
When the person you love dismisses these debilitating symptoms as you just "being emotional" or tells you to "get over it," it does more than hurt. It actively harms. His dismissal can amplify your own internal shame, making you doubt your reality and preventing you from recognizing that you have a treatable illness.
Trust yourself. What you are feeling is real, it has a name, and you deserve help.
Why He Might Not "Get It"
Trying to understand his perspective isn't about excusing his lack of support or making you the one responsible for fixing things. It's about gathering the information you need to build a bridge back to each other—if that's what you want to do.
His behavior, while painful and unacceptable, might be coming from a place of ignorance, fear, or his own hidden struggle.
He Doesn't Understand What's Happening
Most people receive zero education on Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders. His entire understanding of this period may be shaped by societal expectations of blissful motherhood. When reality doesn't meet that expectation—when you are crying, anxious, or distant—he may react with confusion, frustration, or withdrawal because he simply doesn't have a framework for what's happening.
To an untrained eye, many PMAD symptoms can look like the "normal" stress of new parenthood. Fatigue? Of course, you have a newborn. Irritability? You're both sleep-deprived. Loss of appetite? You're too busy to eat.
He may be minimizing your symptoms not out of malice, but because he can't distinguish the signal from the noise. He may be watching you "fall apart" and feel utterly helpless, which can lead him to shut down completely.
He Might Be Struggling, Too
While you have been navigating the seismic physical and emotional shifts of pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, he has undergone his own transition—one that is often invisible and ignored.
Paternal Postpartum Depression (PPND) is real, affecting as many as one in ten new fathers.
Men often experience and express depression differently. Instead of sadness and crying, his symptoms might look like anger, increased irritability, risk-taking behavior, or withdrawing from relationships. He might throw himself into work or a hobby, or seem constantly on edge.
What you are experiencing as a lack of support—his anger, his distance—could actually be his own symptoms of a mood disorder.
The risk factors for PPND are deeply intertwined with your own experience. They include maternal depression (your struggles directly impact his mental health), marital discord, extreme sleep deprivation, and even hormonal changes. Studies show that new fathers experience a drop in testosterone, which can be linked to depression.
You are both in the same storm, and it's possible he's struggling to keep his own head above water, leaving him with no capacity to help you. The very behaviors that are hurting you might be his desperate, misdirected attempts to cope.
The Old Ways of Connecting Are Gone
Bringing a baby home changes a relationship on a molecular level. Research shows that up to two-thirds of couples experience a significant decline in relationship satisfaction in the first three years of a child's life.
The easy intimacy, shared jokes, and quiet moments you once relied on to feel close have been replaced by the relentless demands of a baby.
You may feel completely "touched out" after a day of being climbed on, nursed, and needed, leaving you with nothing left to give physically. For your partner, this withdrawal of physical affection can feel like a profound personal rejection, even if it's not intended that way.
The dynamic often shifts from a partnership to a competition of who is more tired, who has sacrificed more, and who is doing more work. This scorekeeping is a symptom of a system in crisis. You are both so depleted that you've turned on each other instead of facing the challenge as a team.
This creates a painful cycle. Your PPD symptoms, like irritability or sadness, may cause you to pull away. He, feeling rejected and possibly dealing with his own PPND, withdraws further or becomes angry. His withdrawal confirms your deepest fears of being abandoned and alone, which intensifies your PPD symptoms, and the cycle spirals downward.
You are both reacting to your own pain in ways that amplify the other's. Breaking this cycle requires seeing it for what it is: not a personal failing, but a relational pattern fueled by a mental health crisis.
Working with a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health can help you understand these dynamics and develop strategies for breaking destructive patterns. Phoenix Health's directory of specialized therapists includes professionals trained specifically in the complex intersection of individual and relationship challenges during the postpartum period.
How to Start the Conversation When You Have No Energy Left
The thought of having a "big talk" right now might feel as exhausting as climbing a mountain. So don't. The goal of this first step isn't to solve everything. It is simply to break the silence and create a tiny crack of connection.
The focus is on lowering the energy required to begin.
Find a Moment (Not a Perfect One)
With a newborn, there is no perfect time. Don't wait for a long, uninterrupted evening when you're both rested and calm—it will never come.
Look for a small, manageable window. Maybe it's a five-minute stretch when the baby has just fallen asleep in the car. Maybe it's while you're folding laundry side-by-side.
If a face-to-face conversation feels too confrontational or you can't trust yourself not to start crying immediately, it is perfectly okay to start with a text message. The medium is less important than the message. The goal is to gently reopen a line of communication that has been shut down by stress and pain.
Use a Simple Opener
How you begin sets the tone for the entire conversation. Avoid starting with an accusation like, "You never help me." That will immediately put him on the defensive.
Instead, try a soft, vulnerable opener that invites him in rather than pushing him away. The goal here is not to win an argument, but to re-establish a sense of psychological safety so a real conversation can happen.
Script 1 (Acknowledging his struggle): "I know things have been really hard for both of us lately. I've noticed I haven't been myself, and I'm really struggling. Could we talk about it for just a few minutes when you have a chance?"
This frames it as a shared problem.
Script 2 (Focusing on connection): "I feel like we've been so disconnected since the baby came, and it makes me feel incredibly alone. I miss you. I want to figure out how we can get back on the same team."
This centers the conversation on the relationship, which may feel less threatening than focusing on his individual failings.
Script 3 (Naming the problem): "I was reading something today, and I think what I've been feeling is more than just the baby blues. I think I might have postpartum depression. I feel scared, and I really need your help."
This is direct, but the vulnerability can often cut through defenses.
Success, for this first attempt, is not him suddenly understanding everything. Success is him putting down his phone, turning to you, and saying, "Okay, let's talk."
What to Say: Explaining What You Need
Once you have a moment to talk, the goal is clarity. He is not a mind reader, and in his current state of stress and confusion, he likely cannot interpret vague pleas for help.
Vague requests like "I need you to be more supportive" are overwhelming because they present a problem with no clear solution. This can lead to what feels like "analysis paralysis," where he feels so helpless to fix the big problem that he does nothing at all.
The key is to be specific, concrete, and actionable.
Describe Your Reality
Use "I" statements to explain your internal experience without assigning blame. This is not about what he's doing wrong; it's about what is happening inside of you.
Instead of: "You leave me to deal with the baby all day and I'm losing my mind."
Try: "I feel completely overwhelmed and touched out when I'm alone with the baby all day. By the time you get home, my brain feels like it's short-circuiting and I have nothing left."
Instead of: "You don't understand how crazy my thoughts are."
Try: "I'm having some scary, intrusive thoughts about the baby getting hurt. My doctor says this is a common symptom of postpartum anxiety and it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom, but it makes me feel anxious all the time."
Make Specific, Actionable Requests
This is the most critical part. Give him a clear, achievable task. When he can successfully complete a task and see that it helps you, it builds his confidence and sense of agency. It breaks the cycle of helplessness.
For Sleep: "I am so sleep-deprived I can't think straight. It's a major trigger for my anxiety. Could you please be fully in charge of the baby from 10 PM to 2 AM tonight so I can get one solid four-hour block of sleep? I will handle the rest of the night."
For Household Tasks: "My mental load feels unbearable. It would be a huge relief if you could take complete ownership of two things every day: making sure all the bottles are washed before bed, and taking out the diaper pail and kitchen trash. Knowing those are off my list would help me feel less frantic."
For Emotional Support: "I know you want to fix things when I'm upset, but what I really need is for you to just listen. When I tell you I'm having a hard day, could you try just holding my hand and saying, 'That sounds so hard. I'm here with you'? That would make me feel so much less alone."
Set a Goal to Work as a Team
Frame this entire conversation around a shared goal: getting through this difficult season together. This isn't a performance review of his failures as a husband. This is a strategy session for Team Family.
Try this: "This is the hardest thing we've ever done, and we're both exhausted. This isn't you versus me. How can we work together as a team to make sure we both get what we need to survive this? What is one thing I could do to help you feel more supported?"
When Words Aren't Enough
Sometimes, no matter how clearly you communicate, the disconnect is too wide to bridge on your own. The patterns of resentment may be too entrenched, or one or both of you may be too deep in a mental health struggle to respond effectively.
This is not a sign of failure. It is a sign that it's time to call in reinforcements.
The Case for Couples Counseling
Couples therapy isn't just for relationships on the brink of divorce. It is an incredible tool for couples navigating major life transitions.
A therapist who specializes in the perinatal period can provide a safe, neutral space to have these hard conversations. They can act as a translator, helping you both hear what the other is truly trying to say.
In counseling, you can learn practical tools for communication, conflict resolution, and reconnecting emotionally and intimately. A therapist can help you create a fair and realistic plan for dividing household and parenting responsibilities and support you both as you grow into your new roles as parents.
How to suggest it: "I love you, and I want to find our way back to each other. I think we need some help learning how to talk and listen again. Would you be open to trying couples counseling with someone who specializes in helping new parents? I see it as a way to invest in our family's future."
Why Perinatal Specialization Matters
Not all therapists are equipped to handle the unique challenges of the postpartum period. Working with a therapist who holds a Perinatal Mental Health Certification (PMH-C) means you're getting someone who understands:
- The complex interplay of hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, and relationship dynamics
- How to differentiate between normal adjustment difficulties and clinical mood disorders
- Evidence-based treatments specifically designed for postpartum mental health conditions
- The impact of maternal mental health on the entire family system
This specialized training makes all the difference between generic relationship advice and targeted, effective intervention.
Prioritize Your Own Mental Health
This is the most important thing you can do: you do not need his permission or participation to get help for yourself.
Waiting for him to understand before you take action is like waiting for the rain to stop before you build a roof. You must secure your own oxygen mask first.
Seeking individual therapy is not a betrayal of your partnership; it is a prerequisite for saving it. A therapist can give you the validation and support you are not getting at home, provide you with evidence-based tools to manage your PMAD symptoms, and help you build the emotional resilience needed to navigate this incredibly difficult time.
Getting stronger yourself is the most powerful lever you have for changing the dynamic in your relationship.
Finding the Right Support
Professional Resources
Postpartum Support International (PSI) is a lifeline. You can call or text their free, confidential HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773 to be connected with resources and support in your area. They also offer free online support groups, including specific groups for fathers, which could be an invaluable resource for your partner.
The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and the American Psychological Association (APA) offer credible, detailed information about perinatal depression, which can help both you and your partner understand what is happening.
What to Look for in a Therapist
When choosing a mental health provider, look for:
- Perinatal Mental Health Certification (PMH-C)
- Experience working with postpartum mood and anxiety disorders
- Training in both individual and couples therapy
- Understanding of the physiological aspects of postpartum mental health
- Flexibility with scheduling (many new parents need evening or weekend appointments)
When It's an Emergency
If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby, please reach out for help immediately:
- Call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline)
- Text "HELLO" to 741741 (Crisis Text Line)
- Go to your nearest emergency room
- Call 911
These thoughts, while terrifying, are symptoms of your illness—not your character. They are treatable, and you can get better.
The Reality of Recovery
Recovery from postpartum mental health challenges is not linear. You will have good days and bad days. Your relationship with your partner may need to be rebuilt slowly, with patience and intention.
Some days, you might feel like you're making progress. Other days, you might feel like you're back at square one. This is normal and expected. Healing happens in spirals, not straight lines.
Your partner's understanding and support may come gradually. Some men need time to process new information and change their behavior. Others may need their own therapy to work through their reactions and fears.
What matters most right now is that you take care of yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you cannot love others well if you are drowning.
Moving Forward
The road ahead may feel daunting, but you do not have to walk it alone. Every step you take toward getting help—whether that's calling a therapist, joining a support group, or having an honest conversation with your partner—is an act of courage and love, both for yourself and your family.
Your baby needs a mother who is healing, not a mother who is suffering in silence. Your partner needs to understand what you're going through, and you both need tools to navigate this challenging season together.
The woman you were before is not gone forever. She is transforming, becoming someone new—someone who has survived one of life's most profound challenges. With the right support, you can emerge from this season stronger, more connected to yourself, and more equipped to build the kind of relationship and family you want.
You are not broken. You are not failing. You are not asking for too much.
You are a new mother navigating a profound transformation while battling a serious health condition. You deserve support, compassion, and effective care. You don't have to carry this alone.
If you're ready to take the next step, Phoenix Health offers specialized postpartum mental health support with therapists who truly understand what you're going through. Your healing journey can start with a simple conversation.