The Story You're Told vs. The Story You Lived
After you gave birth, you heard the words that are supposed to make everything okay: "You have a healthy baby." Friends, family, and even medical staff may have described your birth as "perfect," "uncomplicated," or "textbook." And yet, when you think about it, your heart pounds. You have flashbacks to moments that left you feeling terrified, powerless, or unheard. You feel broken, not blessed. This conflict between the story everyone else tells and the one you carry inside you is a lonely and confusing place to be.
If this is your experience, please hear this: Your feelings are valid. You are not being dramatic, and you are not ungrateful. A birth does not need to involve a major medical emergency to be traumatic. The most important factor in defining
birth trauma is your own emotional and psychological experience of the event. Acknowledging the truth of your story is the first and most crucial step toward healing.
"But You Have a Healthy Baby" - The Invalidation of Emotional Pain
This phrase, while often well-intentioned, can be one of the most invalidating things a person can hear after a difficult birth. It implies that your emotional well-being is secondary to the physical health of your child and that your pain is an overreaction. This dismissal from others can lead you to dismiss your own feelings, creating a barrier to seeking the help you deserve.
Why Your Internal Experience Is the Only Thing That Defines Trauma
Trauma is not an event; it is a person's response to an event. It happens when an experience completely overwhelms your ability to cope, leaving you with an intense sense of fear, helplessness, or horror. Two people can go through the exact same birth, and one may feel empowered while the other feels traumatized. Your internal experience is the only metric that matters.
What is Subjective Birth Trauma?
Subjective birth trauma refers to the distress caused by your perception of the event, regardless of the clinical outcome. It centers on your feelings of safety, dignity, and control.
It's Not What Happened, But How You Experienced It
The core of subjective trauma is often a loss of agency. It can be the feeling that things were happening to you, rather than you being an active participant in your own birth. It's the gap between your expectations for respectful care and the reality of what you received. For a broader overview of the clinical definitions, you can read our guide on what is birth trauma.
Common Scenarios That Can Be Traumatic Without a Medical Emergency
- Feeling unheard or dismissed: Your requests for information, pain relief, or a change in position were ignored.
- Lack of informed consent: Procedures were performed without your clear understanding or permission.
- A loss of dignity: You felt exposed, ashamed, or disrespected during labor or delivery.
- Unexpectedly intense pain: The pain was far beyond what you were prepared for, and you felt unsupported in managing it.
- Verbal abuse: You were yelled at, threatened, or coerced by a provider.
- Fear of the unknown: A chaotic environment or lack of clear communication left you terrified about what was happening to you or your baby.
Signs Your "Uncomplicated" Birth May Have Been Traumatic
If you experienced a subjectively traumatic birth, you may develop symptoms of Postpartum PTSD. These symptoms fall into four main categories.
Re-experiencing Symptoms: Flashbacks and Nightmares
You may find yourself having intrusive, unwanted memories of the birth that feel like they are happening all over again. These can be vivid images, sounds, or physical sensations. Frightening nightmares about the birth are also very common.
Avoidance Symptoms: Pushing Away Reminders
You might go out of your way to avoid anything that reminds you of the birth. This could include:
- Avoiding the hospital where you delivered.
- Changing the subject when people ask about your birth story.
- Feeling emotionally numb or detached, which can be a form of depersonalization linked to trauma.
Negative Changes in Mood: Guilt, Shame, and Blame
You may find yourself blaming yourself for what happened, even if it was completely out of your control. Intense feelings of shame, guilt, anger, or horror are common. Many find that grieving your birth experience is a necessary part of processing these emotions.
Hyperarousal Symptoms: Feeling Constantly On-Edge
Your body's alarm system can get stuck in the "on" position. This state of postpartum hypervigilance is a hallmark symptom and can make you feel constantly jumpy, irritable, and unable to relax.
The Critical Link Between Invalidation and PTSD
When your traumatic experience is denied by those around you, it can significantly worsen your symptoms and prolong your suffering.
How Dismissal from Others Worsens Symptoms
Invalidation from others, especially from a partner or medical provider, can make you question your own reality. It adds a layer of psychological distress on top of the initial trauma, making you feel isolated and alone in your pain. This can be especially difficult for partners who were present but may not understand the depth of your experience, which is why we created a guide for the helpless witness.
The Danger of Self-Invalidation
Perhaps the most damaging form of invalidation is the one that comes from within. When you repeatedly tell yourself, "I shouldn't feel this way," or "I need to just get over it," you are abandoning yourself at a time when you need compassion the most. This internal conflict can be a major barrier to healing.
How to Start Healing When No One Else Sees the Wound
Healing from subjective trauma begins with the radical act of believing your own story.
Step 1: Validate Your Own Story
Your feelings are not wrong. They are a normal response to an abnormal experience. Write your story down, tell it to the mirror, or say it out loud to yourself. Repeat this until it sinks in: "What I went through was real, it was hard, and it's okay to feel this way."
Step 2: Find Someone Who Will Listen Without Judgment
Share your story with a trusted friend, family member, or a support group of other parents who have had similar experiences. The simple act of being heard and believed can be incredibly powerful.
Step 3: Seek Professional, Trauma-Informed Care
A therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health and trauma is uniquely equipped to help you heal. They will not question your experience. Instead, they will provide you with the tools and support to process the trauma and reclaim your sense of safety and self.
You don't have to carry this alone. Schedule a free, confidential consultation with a Phoenix Health care coordinator to connect with a trauma-informed therapist who understands.